so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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