My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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