so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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