so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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