no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
There's always time for handjobs
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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