The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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