Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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