Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Two words: blizzard sex
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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