filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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