i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
