I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
