I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
