I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
