Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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