Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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