I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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