Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
