i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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