I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
