What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
