I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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