Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
