I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
