She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
