Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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