If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
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I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
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While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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