I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
