He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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