here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Im part way to drunk.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
