If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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