Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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