Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
