i think i scared a bird with my dick
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize