i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
