Me too!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize