You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
