Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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