We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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