And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
