can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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