P.S. I can't hear my feet
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
