I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
