I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize