i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
