Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
