mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
