I feel great
I just peed on a car
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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