Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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