I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Randomize
