I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
