It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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