just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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