God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
