this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
