I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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