I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
