I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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