ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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